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It's 3 in the morning (damn! only an hour away from quoting No Doubt's likewise-titled song! that would have been cool... or retarded... whichever suits it best...). Owh shit. It's so like me to diverge from the main topic... let me restart...
It's 3am... and I'm feeling nostalgic, and a little melancholic...
It doesn't help that I'm listening to Sheila On 7's song, "Berhenti Berharap"...
The lyrics hit a sore note with me...
Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita
I recently found myself reminiscing a lot about my past relationships... especially to those I truly loved with all my heart, only to lose them in the end. I don't really know why this came to be, honestly.
I don't know what force of nature triggered these feelings and thoughts in me, and frankly, I can't seem to divert myself from thinking about them the moment I have a moment alone with my mind.
The aforementioned lyrics reminded me of the ones I have loved and lost. They opened up old wounds in me... wounds that have healed enough for me to move on with life normally, but let us be truthful here. No one fully recovers from a breakup. How can you, when you have given a large part of yourself to the person you once loved, only to have lost him/her as well as that missing part of you?
And the music... so wistful does it sound accompanied with the softly-pressed piano notes. The lead singer sounds so forlorn, so defeated. The combination stirs so many memories within me... especially the sad ones...
I find myself remembering those bittersweet memories I once shared with men I once called my "boyfriend" in great detail. I recall those times I spent with them in black and white, like an old movie, for some strange reason.
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I remember when I was 18. I can see myself in my small sleeping space in my hostel room in Mawar, laying lay restlessly on my bed, waiting for him to send me a message... or any form of communication.
It seems that I've lost him somewhere along the way. I was lucky to get even a short SMS from him once in a week. I never believed in long-distance relationships, but I took a chance on him.
It seems that I've lost him somewhere along the way. I was lucky to get even a short SMS from him once in a week. I never believed in long-distance relationships, but I took a chance on him.
We were like best friends... we had so much in common, our conversations were never dull. Our relationship was full of laughter and song. We used to have dual karaoke sessions with each other on the phone, almost nightly.
But after a while, he forgot about me... and left my heart aching. Staring blankly into the darkness of my room. Complete silence, if not for the quiet sobs, the silent tears that stream down my face...
We're still friends now, despite it all, and I miss him terribly sometimes. He's found happiness in another girl much closer to home for several years now. I'm happy for him, I really am.
Maybe the distance between us was too great, but even then, I will always cherish our memories together. I wish him well...
Then I turned 19. He found me when I was attention and love-deprived. We hit it off well from the very beginning. We had so many people in common, we were both from the same backgrounds. He was like a breath of fresh air for me.
He surprised me with his confession of love, and persuaded me to let go of my fading love for my Wonderwall... for what use was it to hold on to someone who neglects you? You deserve better, he said. He promised he would always be by my side, and never ever to hurt me.
We had so much chemistry between the both of us, it was undeniable, irresistible. People didn't see why I would want to be with him, but I didn't take heed. I loved him in the end, and I enjoyed his company. That was all that mattered.
We spent almost all of our time together. I went to the ends of the earth with him. I made his friends into mine, without him even making an effort to get close to mine.
I travelled alone almost weekly to his place, so that we could spend time with each other more freely, all on public transportation. It was dangerous, but I risked it all just to be near him.
We did all sorts of crazy things together, that I realize were stupid risks that could have cost us dearly. But to me, it just more experience for me as I grow and learn more about life.
We did all sorts of crazy things together, that I realize were stupid risks that could have cost us dearly. But to me, it just more experience for me as I grow and learn more about life.
But ours was a turbulent relationship. We had far more downs than we did ups. He wasn't capable of loving me the way I loved him. He couldn't keep the promise he once made to me. He became emotionally-distant and almost unreachable towards the end.
No more was the passion we shared for each other in the beginning of the relationship. No more "I Love You" at the end of the phone calls. He didn't even know what to talk to me about anymore.
The amount of hurt I felt from him was the greatest of them all. We fought all the time, and I cried so much when I was with him.
No more was the passion we shared for each other in the beginning of the relationship. No more "I Love You" at the end of the phone calls. He didn't even know what to talk to me about anymore.
The amount of hurt I felt from him was the greatest of them all. We fought all the time, and I cried so much when I was with him.
He betrayed me by publicly flirting with someone I once considered my friend, in front of my very eyes, repeatedly. He keeps on denying it, I'm sure even till this day, but I know better. My eyes and intuition don't deceive me.
All he wanted to do was party and indulge in his hedonistic urges. I liked to enjoy life too, but I know where my obligations lie. I needed a bright and secure future for myself, but he didn't seem to be able to do that. He didn't really seem to care.
All he wanted to do was party and indulge in his hedonistic urges. I liked to enjoy life too, but I know where my obligations lie. I needed a bright and secure future for myself, but he didn't seem to be able to do that. He didn't really seem to care.
But time has passed, and slowly I was able to let myself stop caring about him. Once again, as I was about to drown in the sea of hopelessness, as I was about to lose my faith in men, God Almighty dropped me a life preserver. And on his birthday too.
Maybe it was for the best. Karma will either bite you in the ass, or kiss you if you've done good. I have been nothing but loyal and dedicated to him in our year-long relationship, and it was time for me to find someone who truly deserved me: someone who would appreciate me and love me with their whole heart.
I guess I had to go through some bad apples first before I finally find the ripe, perfect one.
Maybe it was for the best. Karma will either bite you in the ass, or kiss you if you've done good. I have been nothing but loyal and dedicated to him in our year-long relationship, and it was time for me to find someone who truly deserved me: someone who would appreciate me and love me with their whole heart.
I guess I had to go through some bad apples first before I finally find the ripe, perfect one.
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The lyrics of the song ring true. All the men in my life, especially these two, have taught me, shown me, and given me both happiness and sorrow. But without them, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm still breathing, I'm still alive, and I'm thankful to say that I am much more resilient now than I was before.
But whatever the case is, I had loved each and everyone of them deeply, and I hope one day, they'll find someone who loves them the way I did. Then only will they be able to appreaciate what it means to have someone love you wholeheartedly, and to love them the same way in return.
The Mortal Dreamer is a nostalgic person. Forgive me if I am overly so. If you have read until the end, thank you.
Thank you for obliging to listen to the contents of my heart, and for helping me unload a small portion of my burdens off my mind. I really appreaciate it... :)
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