Musings of a Mortal Dreamer

Paranoia is like a black veil, shrouding me so I can't see what is happening around me...


His phone has been switched off since last night, and I can't get through to him even now. I must have made over 30 calls ever since. And it all immediately led me to that irritating telephone operator bitch saying, "The person you are calling is not reachable. Please try again later", over & over again.


I tried calling his house phone. He's got me worried sick. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. This silence is driving me crazy! Couldn't he have called? Why isn't he picking up? I JUST WANNA KNOW IF YOU'RE OKAY!


Kak Siti picked up the call & told me that he went to Penang with his brother since yesterday. Wait! He didn't inform me about that! And he usually does! Apa kes?


My emotions are in a blender. I'm worried, i'm nervous, i'm angry, i'm saddened... and it feels like absolute shit. Worst cocktail mix I've ever tasted.


Oh my vivid imagination, STOP PLANTING PARANOID THOUGHTS INTO MY HEAD!!! I can't stand it! Why do I always expect the worst case scenario to happen to those I care about?


Too many damn movies & too many fucked up experiences I've been through, that's the problem...


Trust is the foundation of a strong, lasting relationship... but it's difficult to put your whole faith into someone when you've been hurt one too many times as a result of trusting too much?


But at the same time, if I allow myself to get too overemotional (and I am NOT exaggerating!) as I tend to do, and proceed to do rash, stupid things I'd later regret... then it might just put in cracks into my relationship.


Life is hard. You're damned if you do, you're equally as damned if you don't.


But I've decided to just wait & ignore my thoughts. I'll just leave my emotional cavity hollow, so I won't become too devastated if the worst does happen.


What I need now is Red Bull. And some throbbing music. And some strobe lights.