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Paranoia is like a black veil, shrouding me so I can't see what is happening around me...
His phone has been switched off since last night, and I can't get through to him even now. I must have made over 30 calls ever since. And it all immediately led me to that irritating telephone operator bitch saying, "The person you are calling is not reachable. Please try again later", over & over again.
I tried calling his house phone. He's got me worried sick. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. This silence is driving me crazy! Couldn't he have called? Why isn't he picking up? I JUST WANNA KNOW IF YOU'RE OKAY!
Kak Siti picked up the call & told me that he went to Penang with his brother since yesterday. Wait! He didn't inform me about that! And he usually does! Apa kes?
My emotions are in a blender. I'm worried, i'm nervous, i'm angry, i'm saddened... and it feels like absolute shit. Worst cocktail mix I've ever tasted.
Oh my vivid imagination, STOP PLANTING PARANOID THOUGHTS INTO MY HEAD!!! I can't stand it! Why do I always expect the worst case scenario to happen to those I care about?
Too many damn movies & too many fucked up experiences I've been through, that's the problem...
Trust is the foundation of a strong, lasting relationship... but it's difficult to put your whole faith into someone when you've been hurt one too many times as a result of trusting too much?
But at the same time, if I allow myself to get too overemotional (and I am NOT exaggerating!) as I tend to do, and proceed to do rash, stupid things I'd later regret... then it might just put in cracks into my relationship.
Life is hard. You're damned if you do, you're equally as damned if you don't.
But I've decided to just wait & ignore my thoughts. I'll just leave my emotional cavity hollow, so I won't become too devastated if the worst does happen.
What I need now is Red Bull. And some throbbing music. And some strobe lights.
I am SERIOUSLY STOKED for Naninie's wedding this 27th of March!
Unlike most people, Naninie is not one to follow the conventional ways (which is one of the reasons I admire her) of most self-proclaimed 'liberal', but highly conservative Malay families.
Her special day wasn't going to be the traditional 'wear-a-poofy-white-dress-and-sit-still-looking-pretty-in-a-hotel-hall' kind of soiree. Her's is gonna set some tongues wagging... both in good ways & not-so-pleasant ways.
But honestly, WHY THE FANGKULO should we care if others don't approve our way of holding a wedding? It's OUR special day, not theirs. As long as it's still tasteful, and doesn't hurt anyone, let them have their cake and eat it too. Sorry la korang dengki... bukan salah kita your wedding tak se-best kita punya. ;p
Sour grapes, betches!
So the theme of the wedding is basically formal, but part of it is gonna be AYIYIYI! MUY CALIENTE DE LATINO! So this promises to be a wedding to remember, and should not be missed!
Plus, I get to see a certain someone (forcibly :P ) wear a suit! Amazing how a suit and tie makes you look like a million bucks, and sooooo dashing! Hehehehe he's gonna look like one handsome hombre... who is SOOOOO TAKEN, so back off, ladies! He's just your eye candy, but MY arm candy ;)
Jude Law = casually delectable, formally RAVISHING
Anyway, before I digress any further... so the main concern for any red-blooded woman/girl who is about to attend an important event is, "What am I going to wear?!"
Originally, I planned to wear my old red prom dress, but it seems that my ectomorphic, a.k.a. naturally slender body has lost its fats (and whatever curves it used to have before uni life). So it looks like I'm a friggin papan. But still, it was salsa-ish & red... Muy latina. Plus, it looked quite pretty on me during prom, enough to bag me a cute prom date DURING the damn thing ;)
But my Mama wasn't so fond of the dress, so she suggested we go find another, and will only revert to my prom dress if all else fails.
So after a few tiring days of searching through mountains of gorgeous dresses, which sadly, all cost more than RM 300 (I ain't gonna spend THAT MUCH for a dress I'm not gonna be able to wear more than once! Gila ka?!?!?!?), we finally found a suitable dress for the wedding at Somerset Bay.
Although it wasn't salsa-ish cut like I wanted, it did resemble a flamenco dress, which is close enough to home! There was a bit of a 'skirt kembang' thing going on at the bottom, but it's very pretty & feminine! Yay! The search is over!
Kinda like this, but not with that many ruffles!
The material is gorgeous! The pattern is large but subdued florals, and is dominantly magenta in colour, with undertones of dark purple & dark green. And to seal the deal, golden threads delicately sewn to make the dress shimmer just slightly.
This is the material. Gorgeous, yet understated,
don't you agree?
I ADORE J'ADORE J'AIME THE DRESS TROP BEAUCOUP! hahahah i know my French grammar & sentence structure is ALL OVER THE PLACE, but I cannot emphasize just how much i LOVE this dress! The chances for me of finding a dress this gorgeously exquisite at a fairly reasonable price (It was on sale, around RM230! What a bargain!) is rare!
And to put the cherry on top of the sundae, it fits me so well, I barely have to alter it! Being so slender, I barely have any visible curves, not to mention, having a short torso doesn't help things either. But the dress clung to the right curves, accentuating it like only a well-tailored piece of clothing could.
SO I AM BEYOND ECSTATIC with it. Plus, I can easily wear it a few more times, as the dress isn't overly glamorous. Maybe I can wear it to the beach, but my Mama will surely slaughter me! Hahahaha ;p
So I'm counting down the days till I finally am able to board my flight and arrive in Alor Setar so I can bear witness to my *insyaallah!* gorgeous future sister-in-law and her crazy yet ultimately loving groom-to-be's wedding... not to mention, flaunt my new dress!
Let's see... 18 days to go! I can't wait! Will soon write about the wedding ceremony itself & post some pics, I promise! A wedding! A wedding! There's gonna be a wedding!
Wishing this loving couple a lifetime of happiness & love
as husband & wife<3
R.I.P. Mr Ananth
On
10:55 PM
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Just a few minutes ago, I received some shocking news via the phone. Auntie Shakeela called me up and informed me that my best friend Sem's teacher, Mr. Ananth, had just passed away.
Naturally, I called her up to check up on her. I offered her my deepest condolences and asked her where she was. I wasn't used to hearing her cry, coz everyone knows Sem. She's a trouper. Even when times are tough, she'd still soldier on with a smile on her face. Her voice was wracked with grief, and I could just picture the tears streaming down her almond-shaped eyes.
She told me that Mr Ananth, her favourite law lecturer, passed away in a club. He suddenly collasped, possibly due to a heart-attack, and they were not able to revive him. Sem also informed me that his students were holding a small memorial for him tonight.
Based on the myriad stories Sem told me about him, Mr Ananth was a witty, endearing man, who delighted in telling his students stories and challenging their intellect. He made a difficult and painstaking subject into an enjoyable one, and always made his students laugh. Sem was one of his favourites, and she looked up to him, always speaking so highly of him. He will definitely be missed.
Rest in peace, Mr Ananth. I extend my deepest condolences to your family and loved ones for their untimely loss. God bless.
Looking back...
On
4:31 AM
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It's 3 in the morning (damn! only an hour away from quoting No Doubt's likewise-titled song! that would have been cool... or retarded... whichever suits it best...). Owh shit. It's so like me to diverge from the main topic... let me restart...
It's 3am... and I'm feeling nostalgic, and a little melancholic...
It doesn't help that I'm listening to Sheila On 7's song, "Berhenti Berharap"...
The lyrics hit a sore note with me...
Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita
I recently found myself reminiscing a lot about my past relationships... especially to those I truly loved with all my heart, only to lose them in the end. I don't really know why this came to be, honestly.
I don't know what force of nature triggered these feelings and thoughts in me, and frankly, I can't seem to divert myself from thinking about them the moment I have a moment alone with my mind.
The aforementioned lyrics reminded me of the ones I have loved and lost. They opened up old wounds in me... wounds that have healed enough for me to move on with life normally, but let us be truthful here. No one fully recovers from a breakup. How can you, when you have given a large part of yourself to the person you once loved, only to have lost him/her as well as that missing part of you?
And the music... so wistful does it sound accompanied with the softly-pressed piano notes. The lead singer sounds so forlorn, so defeated. The combination stirs so many memories within me... especially the sad ones...
I find myself remembering those bittersweet memories I once shared with men I once called my "boyfriend" in great detail. I recall those times I spent with them in black and white, like an old movie, for some strange reason.
______________________________________________
I remember when I was 18. I can see myself in my small sleeping space in my hostel room in Mawar, laying lay restlessly on my bed, waiting for him to send me a message... or any form of communication.
It seems that I've lost him somewhere along the way. I was lucky to get even a short SMS from him once in a week. I never believed in long-distance relationships, but I took a chance on him.
It seems that I've lost him somewhere along the way. I was lucky to get even a short SMS from him once in a week. I never believed in long-distance relationships, but I took a chance on him.
We were like best friends... we had so much in common, our conversations were never dull. Our relationship was full of laughter and song. We used to have dual karaoke sessions with each other on the phone, almost nightly.
But after a while, he forgot about me... and left my heart aching. Staring blankly into the darkness of my room. Complete silence, if not for the quiet sobs, the silent tears that stream down my face...
We're still friends now, despite it all, and I miss him terribly sometimes. He's found happiness in another girl much closer to home for several years now. I'm happy for him, I really am.
Maybe the distance between us was too great, but even then, I will always cherish our memories together. I wish him well...
Then I turned 19. He found me when I was attention and love-deprived. We hit it off well from the very beginning. We had so many people in common, we were both from the same backgrounds. He was like a breath of fresh air for me.
He surprised me with his confession of love, and persuaded me to let go of my fading love for my Wonderwall... for what use was it to hold on to someone who neglects you? You deserve better, he said. He promised he would always be by my side, and never ever to hurt me.
We had so much chemistry between the both of us, it was undeniable, irresistible. People didn't see why I would want to be with him, but I didn't take heed. I loved him in the end, and I enjoyed his company. That was all that mattered.
We spent almost all of our time together. I went to the ends of the earth with him. I made his friends into mine, without him even making an effort to get close to mine.
I travelled alone almost weekly to his place, so that we could spend time with each other more freely, all on public transportation. It was dangerous, but I risked it all just to be near him.
We did all sorts of crazy things together, that I realize were stupid risks that could have cost us dearly. But to me, it just more experience for me as I grow and learn more about life.
We did all sorts of crazy things together, that I realize were stupid risks that could have cost us dearly. But to me, it just more experience for me as I grow and learn more about life.
But ours was a turbulent relationship. We had far more downs than we did ups. He wasn't capable of loving me the way I loved him. He couldn't keep the promise he once made to me. He became emotionally-distant and almost unreachable towards the end.
No more was the passion we shared for each other in the beginning of the relationship. No more "I Love You" at the end of the phone calls. He didn't even know what to talk to me about anymore.
The amount of hurt I felt from him was the greatest of them all. We fought all the time, and I cried so much when I was with him.
No more was the passion we shared for each other in the beginning of the relationship. No more "I Love You" at the end of the phone calls. He didn't even know what to talk to me about anymore.
The amount of hurt I felt from him was the greatest of them all. We fought all the time, and I cried so much when I was with him.
He betrayed me by publicly flirting with someone I once considered my friend, in front of my very eyes, repeatedly. He keeps on denying it, I'm sure even till this day, but I know better. My eyes and intuition don't deceive me.
All he wanted to do was party and indulge in his hedonistic urges. I liked to enjoy life too, but I know where my obligations lie. I needed a bright and secure future for myself, but he didn't seem to be able to do that. He didn't really seem to care.
All he wanted to do was party and indulge in his hedonistic urges. I liked to enjoy life too, but I know where my obligations lie. I needed a bright and secure future for myself, but he didn't seem to be able to do that. He didn't really seem to care.
But time has passed, and slowly I was able to let myself stop caring about him. Once again, as I was about to drown in the sea of hopelessness, as I was about to lose my faith in men, God Almighty dropped me a life preserver. And on his birthday too.
Maybe it was for the best. Karma will either bite you in the ass, or kiss you if you've done good. I have been nothing but loyal and dedicated to him in our year-long relationship, and it was time for me to find someone who truly deserved me: someone who would appreciate me and love me with their whole heart.
I guess I had to go through some bad apples first before I finally find the ripe, perfect one.
Maybe it was for the best. Karma will either bite you in the ass, or kiss you if you've done good. I have been nothing but loyal and dedicated to him in our year-long relationship, and it was time for me to find someone who truly deserved me: someone who would appreciate me and love me with their whole heart.
I guess I had to go through some bad apples first before I finally find the ripe, perfect one.
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The lyrics of the song ring true. All the men in my life, especially these two, have taught me, shown me, and given me both happiness and sorrow. But without them, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm still breathing, I'm still alive, and I'm thankful to say that I am much more resilient now than I was before.
But whatever the case is, I had loved each and everyone of them deeply, and I hope one day, they'll find someone who loves them the way I did. Then only will they be able to appreaciate what it means to have someone love you wholeheartedly, and to love them the same way in return.
The Mortal Dreamer is a nostalgic person. Forgive me if I am overly so. If you have read until the end, thank you.
Thank you for obliging to listen to the contents of my heart, and for helping me unload a small portion of my burdens off my mind. I really appreaciate it... :)
Once again, the Procrastination Queen repeats her negative tendencies...
...and by that, I meant me. Why? Coz i screwed up ROYALLY... yet again.
A few months back, I made a promise to list down the people who have made my Asasi TESL days the most memorable ones in my life. Well obviously, I never did it, and I'm not gonna toss out the commonplace excuse of 'not having any free time' because:
1) people will STILL say its an excuse
2) it's not entirely true. whatever free time i DID have from my hectic schedule, i was either too
tired or too damn lazy to write it...
3)when i DO wanna write, the damn creative juices just refuse to flow! CURSED WRITER'S
BLOCK!!! how i loathe thee!
Well, I know for a fact that most of us want to forget about the injustice that befell on us last June, but you've all left footprints in my heart and I want to preserve those memories of you in my head forever... Here goes....
____________________________________________________________________
I apologize in advance to those whose names i have not mentioned in this post. I hope you understand and are able to forgive me. I'm sorry that we didn't have the chance to get to know each other better before going our separate ways. Love always...
To my beloved friends... you are remembered for all eternity for playing such a big part in my life.
Coozy Khan
Amer La Mer
Ieqa
Aimi C[i]st
Jeebz
Nabil Ken
Iman Onizuka
Faghaaa
Acab
Fiza
Azri
Nuyin
Ida
Fazzy Wuzzy
Abah
Teiha
Wan You
Fieeee
Akhmal
Nani
Ain Bie
McT
Amer La Mer
Ieqa
Aimi C[i]st
Jeebz
Nabil Ken
Iman Onizuka
Faghaaa
Acab
Fiza
Azri
Nuyin
Ida
Fazzy Wuzzy
Abah
Teiha
Wan You
Fieeee
Akhmal
Nani
Ain Bie
McT
(p.s. notice I didn't mention the ones who 'survived' *sighs* the holocaust that is the ridiculous new gov ruling on our faculty. Fuffy, Miza, Mak Long, Alin... I'm gonna be able to cause havoc with y'all for the next 4 years! heheheh)
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