Musings of a Mortal Dreamer

When the voices in your mind are driving you insane...

2010-03-16T16:21:00.001+08:00

Paranoia is like a black veil, shrouding me so I can't see what is happening around me...

His phone has been switched off since last night, and I can't get through to him even now. I must have made over 30 calls ever since. And it all immediately led me to that irritating telephone operator bitch saying, "The person you are calling is not reachable. Please try again later", over & over again.

I tried calling his house phone. He's got me worried sick. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. This silence is driving me crazy! Couldn't he have called? Why isn't he picking up? I JUST WANNA KNOW IF YOU'RE OKAY!

Kak Siti picked up the call & told me that he went to Penang with his brother since yesterday. Wait! He didn't inform me about that! And he usually does! Apa kes?

My emotions are in a blender. I'm worried, i'm nervous, i'm angry, i'm saddened... and it feels like absolute shit. Worst cocktail mix I've ever tasted.

Oh my vivid imagination, STOP PLANTING PARANOID THOUGHTS INTO MY HEAD!!! I can't stand it! Why do I always expect the worst case scenario to happen to those I care about?

Too many damn movies & too many fucked up experiences I've been through, that's the problem...

Trust is the foundation of a strong, lasting relationship... but it's difficult to put your whole faith into someone when you've been hurt one too many times as a result of trusting too much?

But at the same time, if I allow myself to get too overemotional (and I am NOT exaggerating!) as I tend to do, and proceed to do rash, stupid things I'd later regret... then it might just put in cracks into my relationship.

Life is hard. You're damned if you do, you're equally as damned if you don't.

But I've decided to just wait & ignore my thoughts. I'll just leave my emotional cavity hollow, so I won't become too devastated if the worst does happen.

What I need now is Red Bull. And some throbbing music. And some strobe lights.

A WEDDING 2x! THERE'S GONNA BE A WEDDING! AND A NEW DRESS TO GO WITH IT!!!!

2010-03-09T05:34:00.005+08:00

I am SERIOUSLY STOKED for Naninie's wedding this 27th of March!

Unlike most people, Naninie is not one to follow the conventional ways (which is one of the reasons I admire her) of most self-proclaimed 'liberal', but highly conservative Malay families.

Her special day wasn't going to be the traditional 'wear-a-poofy-white-dress-and-sit-still-looking-pretty-in-a-hotel-hall' kind of soiree. Her's is gonna set some tongues wagging... both in good ways & not-so-pleasant ways.

But honestly, WHY THE FANGKULO should we care if others don't approve our way of holding a wedding? It's OUR special day, not theirs. As long as it's still tasteful, and doesn't hurt anyone, let them have their cake and eat it too. Sorry la korang dengki... bukan salah kita your wedding tak se-best kita punya. ;p

Sour grapes, betches!

So the theme of the wedding is basically formal, but part of it is gonna be AYIYIYI! MUY CALIENTE DE LATINO! So this promises to be a wedding to remember, and should not be missed!

Plus, I get to see a certain someone (forcibly :P ) wear a suit! Amazing how a suit and tie makes you look like a million bucks, and sooooo dashing! Hehehehe he's gonna look like one handsome hombre... who is SOOOOO TAKEN, so back off, ladies! He's just your eye candy, but MY arm candy ;)

Jude Law = casually delectable, formally RAVISHING

Anyway, before I digress any further... so the main concern for any red-blooded woman/girl who is about to attend an important event is, "What am I going to wear?!"

Originally, I planned to wear my old red prom dress, but it seems that my ectomorphic, a.k.a. naturally slender body has lost its fats (and whatever curves it used to have before uni life). So it looks like I'm a friggin papan. But still, it was salsa-ish & red... Muy latina. Plus, it looked quite pretty on me during prom, enough to bag me a cute prom date DURING the damn thing ;)

But my Mama wasn't so fond of the dress, so she suggested we go find another, and will only revert to my prom dress if all else fails.

So after a few tiring days of searching through mountains of gorgeous dresses, which sadly, all cost more than RM 300 (I ain't gonna spend THAT MUCH for a dress I'm not gonna be able to wear more than once! Gila ka?!?!?!?), we finally found a suitable dress for the wedding at Somerset Bay.

Although it wasn't salsa-ish cut like I wanted, it did resemble a flamenco dress, which is close enough to home! There was a bit of a 'skirt kembang' thing going on at the bottom, but it's very pretty & feminine! Yay! The search is over!

Kinda like this, but not with that many ruffles!

The material is gorgeous! The pattern is large but subdued florals, and is dominantly magenta in colour, with undertones of dark purple & dark green. And to seal the deal, golden threads delicately sewn to make the dress shimmer just slightly.

This is the material. Gorgeous, yet understated,

don't you agree?

I ADORE J'ADORE J'AIME THE DRESS TROP BEAUCOUP! hahahah i know my French grammar & sentence structure is ALL OVER THE PLACE, but I cannot emphasize just how much i LOVE this dress! The chances for me of finding a dress this gorgeously exquisite at a fairly reasonable price (It was on sale, around RM230! What a bargain!) is rare!

And to put the cherry on top of the sundae, it fits me so well, I barely have to alter it! Being so slender, I barely have any visible curves, not to mention, having a short torso doesn't help things either. But the dress clung to the right curves, accentuating it like only a well-tailored piece of clothing could.

SO I AM BEYOND ECSTATIC with it. Plus, I can easily wear it a few more times, as the dress isn't overly glamorous. Maybe I can wear it to the beach, but my Mama will surely slaughter me! Hahahaha ;p

So I'm counting down the days till I finally am able to board my flight and arrive in Alor Setar so I can bear witness to my *insyaallah!* gorgeous future sister-in-law and her crazy yet ultimately loving groom-to-be's wedding... not to mention, flaunt my new dress!

Let's see... 18 days to go! I can't wait! Will soon write about the wedding ceremony itself & post some pics, I promise! A wedding! A wedding! There's gonna be a wedding!

Wishing this loving couple a lifetime of happiness & love

as husband & wife<3

R.I.P. Mr Ananth

2010-03-01T22:55:00.002+08:00

Just a few minutes ago, I received some shocking news via the phone. Auntie Shakeela called me up and informed me that my best friend Sem's teacher, Mr. Ananth, had just passed away.

Naturally, I called her up to check up on her. I offered her my deepest condolences and asked her where she was. I wasn't used to hearing her cry, coz everyone knows Sem. She's a trouper. Even when times are tough, she'd still soldier on with a smile on her face. Her voice was wracked with grief, and I could just picture the tears streaming down her almond-shaped eyes.

She told me that Mr Ananth, her favourite law lecturer, passed away in a club. He suddenly collasped, possibly due to a heart-attack, and they were not able to revive him. Sem also informed me that his students were holding a small memorial for him tonight.

Based on the myriad stories Sem told me about him, Mr Ananth was a witty, endearing man, who delighted in telling his students stories and challenging their intellect. He made a difficult and painstaking subject into an enjoyable one, and always made his students laugh. Sem was one of his favourites, and she looked up to him, always speaking so highly of him. He will definitely be missed.

Rest in peace, Mr Ananth. I extend my deepest condolences to your family and loved ones for their untimely loss. God bless.

Looking back...

2010-02-22T04:31:00.001+08:00

It's 3 in the morning (damn! only an hour away from quoting No Doubt's likewise-titled song! that would have been cool... or retarded... whichever suits it best...). Owh shit. It's so like me to diverge from the main topic... let me restart...

It's 3am... and I'm feeling nostalgic, and a little melancholic...

It doesn't help that I'm listening to Sheila On 7's song, "Berhenti Berharap"...

The lyrics hit a sore note with me...

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia

Kau ajarkan aku derita

Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

Kau tunjukkan aku derita

Kau berikan aku bahagia

Kau berikan aku derita

I recently found myself reminiscing a lot about my past relationships... especially to those I truly loved with all my heart, only to lose them in the end. I don't really know why this came to be, honestly.

I don't know what force of nature triggered these feelings and thoughts in me, and frankly, I can't seem to divert myself from thinking about them the moment I have a moment alone with my mind.

The aforementioned lyrics reminded me of the ones I have loved and lost. They opened up old wounds in me... wounds that have healed enough for me to move on with life normally, but let us be truthful here. No one fully recovers from a breakup. How can you, when you have given a large part of yourself to the person you once loved, only to have lost him/her as well as that missing part of you?

And the music... so wistful does it sound accompanied with the softly-pressed piano notes. The lead singer sounds so forlorn, so defeated. The combination stirs so many memories within me... especially the sad ones...

I find myself remembering those bittersweet memories I once shared with men I once called my "boyfriend" in great detail. I recall those times I spent with them in black and white, like an old movie, for some strange reason.

______________________________________________

I remember when I was 18. I can see myself in my small sleeping space in my hostel room in Mawar, laying lay restlessly on my bed, waiting for him to send me a message... or any form of communication.

It seems that I've lost him somewhere along the way. I was lucky to get even a short SMS from him once in a week. I never believed in long-distance relationships, but I took a chance on him.

We were like best friends... we had so much in common, our conversations were never dull. Our relationship was full of laughter and song. We used to have dual karaoke sessions with each other on the phone, almost nightly.

But after a while, he forgot about me... and left my heart aching. Staring blankly into the darkness of my room. Complete silence, if not for the quiet sobs, the silent tears that stream down my face...

We're still friends now, despite it all, and I miss him terribly sometimes. He's found happiness in another girl much closer to home for several years now. I'm happy for him, I really am.

Maybe the distance between us was too great, but even then, I will always cherish our memories together. I wish him well...

Then I turned 19. He found me when I was attention and love-deprived. We hit it off well from the very beginning. We had so many people in common, we were both from the same backgrounds. He was like a breath of fresh air for me.

He surprised me with his confession of love, and persuaded me to let go of my fading love for my Wonderwall... for what use was it to hold on to someone who neglects you? You deserve better, he said. He promised he would always be by my side, and never ever to hurt me.

We had so much chemistry between the both of us, it was undeniable, irresistible. People didn't see why I would want to be with him, but I didn't take heed. I loved him in the end, and I enjoyed his company. That was all that mattered.

We spent almost all of our time together. I went to the ends of the earth with him. I made his friends into mine, without him even making an effort to get close to mine.

I travelled alone almost weekly to his place, so that we could spend time with each other more freely, all on public transportation. It was dangerous, but I risked it all just to be near him.

We did all sorts of crazy things together, that I realize were stupid risks that could have cost us dearly. But to me, it just more experience for me as I grow and learn more about life.

    But ours was a turbulent relationship. We had far more downs than we did ups. He wasn't capable of loving me the way I loved him. He couldn't keep the promise he once made to me. He became emotionally-distant and almost unreachable towards the end.

    No more was the passion we shared for each other in the beginning of the relationship. No more "I Love You" at the end of the phone calls. He didn't even know what to talk to me about anymore.

    The amount of hurt I felt from him was the greatest of them all. We fought all the time, and I cried so much when I was with him.

He betrayed me by publicly flirting with someone I once considered my friend, in front of my very eyes, repeatedly. He keeps on denying it, I'm sure even till this day, but I know better. My eyes and intuition don't deceive me.

All he wanted to do was party and indulge in his hedonistic urges. I liked to enjoy life too, but I know where my obligations lie. I needed a bright and secure future for myself, but he didn't seem to be able to do that. He didn't really seem to care.

    But time has passed, and slowly I was able to let myself stop caring about him. Once again, as I was about to drown in the sea of hopelessness, as I was about to lose my faith in men, God Almighty dropped me a life preserver. And on his birthday too.

    Maybe it was for the best. Karma will either bite you in the ass, or kiss you if you've done good. I have been nothing but loyal and dedicated to him in our year-long relationship, and it was time for me to find someone who truly deserved me: someone who would appreciate me and love me with their whole heart.

    I guess I had to go through some bad apples first before I finally find the ripe, perfect one.

______________________________________________

    The lyrics of the song ring true. All the men in my life, especially these two, have taught me, shown me, and given me both happiness and sorrow. But without them, I wouldn't have become the woman I am today.

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm still breathing, I'm still alive, and I'm thankful to say that I am much more resilient now than I was before.

    But whatever the case is, I had loved each and everyone of them deeply, and I hope one day, they'll find someone who loves them the way I did. Then only will they be able to appreaciate what it means to have someone love you wholeheartedly, and to love them the same way in return.

The Mortal Dreamer is a nostalgic person. Forgive me if I am overly so. If you have read until the end, thank you.

Thank you for obliging to listen to the contents of my heart, and for helping me unload a small portion of my burdens off my mind. I really appreaciate it... :)

Old Post Cont.: All Those Who Made Asasi TESL '07-'08 Memorable...

2010-02-20T03:02:00.002+08:00

Once again, the Procrastination Queen repeats her negative tendencies...

...and by that, I meant me. Why? Coz i screwed up ROYALLY... yet again.

A few months back, I made a promise to list down the people who have made my Asasi TESL days the most memorable ones in my life. Well obviously, I never did it, and I'm not gonna toss out the commonplace excuse of 'not having any free time' because:

1) people will STILL say its an excuse
2) it's not entirely true. whatever free time i DID have from my hectic schedule, i was either too
tired or too damn lazy to write it...
3)when i DO wanna write, the damn creative juices just refuse to flow! CURSED WRITER'S
BLOCK!!! how i loathe thee!

Well, I know for a fact that most of us want to forget about the injustice that befell on us last June, but you've all left footprints in my heart and I want to preserve those memories of you in my head forever... Here goes....

____________________________________________________________________

I apologize in advance to those whose names i have not mentioned in this post. I hope you understand and are able to forgive me. I'm sorry that we didn't have the chance to get to know each other better before going our separate ways. Love always...

To my beloved friends... you are remembered for all eternity for playing such a big part in my life.

Coozy Khan
Amer La Mer
Ieqa
Aimi C[i]st
Jeebz
Nabil Ken
Iman Onizuka
Faghaaa
Acab
Fiza
Azri
Nuyin
Ida
Fazzy Wuzzy
Abah
Teiha
Wan You
Fieeee
Akhmal
Nani
Ain Bie
McT

(p.s. notice I didn't mention the ones who 'survived' *sighs* the holocaust that is the ridiculous new gov ruling on our faculty. Fuffy, Miza, Mak Long, Alin... I'm gonna be able to cause havoc with y'all for the next 4 years! heheheh)

Old Post To all my beloved asasi TESLians ’07-’08...

2010-02-20T03:01:00.001+08:00

June 20 2008

There's a very famous saying that's supposed to make you inspired to accept your fate, keep your chin up, and continue on with life.

"When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade".

Funny how the lemons turn out to be extra SOUR this time around...

My dearest Asasi Teslians, both Group A & B...

The cards have been dealt and we are forced to accept our fate and make do with it... make 'lemonade', so to speak. We'll all be truly going our separate ways, and deep down inside, I was hoping that some miracle will take place to make us all end up together again.

I apologize of the behalf of the dreamers community. We tend to toss reality like a rag cloth, coz the silky dreams and fragile hopes feel so much better.

I will miss all of you. Each and every one of you have left an impact in my life, be it small or huge. You have shown me so much love that sometimes, I weep at the beauty of it.

We started off a lone wolf, a solitary figure arriving in UiTM to participate in the TESL program. Pretty soon, we made friends and became a pack: some immediate, some took a little more time. But either way, we grew to respect & care for each other... from a little bud we grew together to become a marvelous, blooming flower that will never wilt and die.

We're not just friends... we're family. And I love all of you, very very much and will never forget you guys.

I'll be detailing another blog post in a while, abt the people who have made UiTM Asasi TESL '07-'08 one of the best times of my life. Keep a watch for it!

Old Post The Short & Overflowing Words of the Seldom Blogger...

2010-02-20T02:56:00.003+08:00

August 31, 2008

Sorry for the long delay of posting a blog. Been so busy lately, and tired. Lately, I find myself facing the computer screen, feeling the urge to write, but somehow, I just can't seem to keep my thoughts formed long enough inside my head to transfer to a blog post.

And not being able to write absolutely KILLS me… damn you, accursed writer's block! (shakes fist in the air rigorously)

So now it's 5.50am, Sunday morning (not a morning worthy of Maroon 5's mention, mind you… feels so lousy) and the whole house is asleep, except for the insomniac typing a damn post before dawn breaks.

What I have decided to do is just write down ALL of the short thoughts running rampant through my head in one single post. Here goes…

I suffer from an inferiority complex… I feel like I'm never good enough, and someone else is always better than me (well, on occasion…)

I felt jealous of a friend recently because she was more attractive and seemed to outshine me… I felt threatened. I felt so tak dilayan. This confession may be overdue, but I'll say it anyway, just to please those who have been pressuring me to admit it, and to ease my conscience. I AM A GREEN-EYED MONSTER OF ENVY.

I am NOT fond of butter cake… give me RICH, MOIST CHOCOLATE CAKE any day!

To those of you who don't know, I STILL DON'T HAVE A DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE (I'm posting another post regarding this matter shortly) and I am NOT an incompetent driver!

I've made it my mission to tone up my triceps and lose my 'kegendutan' in the abdominal section (gulp! Sit ups!)

I keep thinking of the word 'PINEAPPLE' a lot since the beginning of the semester… why is that?!?!?

How much do 5lbs dumbbells cost? I'm pretty serious about getting a pair…

People tend to UNDERESTIMATE my capabilities, and sometimes, I don't blame them. I mean, I am a skinny-shit, and probably can't do many physical tasks. But it DOES NOT mean that I don't TRY, okay? (I will elaborate further in a future post)

Yes, I do carry heavy things, merci beaucoup. And I do not consider a single laptop bag as unbearably heavy!

I miss him so damn much…

I'm afraid of losing him… I don't want him to move on to greener pastures. Aren't I green enough?

I am clingy to those I love. It's a painful fact I'm forced to accept. I know it drives people away, but please understand. I'm only acting this way coz you're not responding to me, and I'm afraid of losing you. And I have lost loved ones because of this misunderstanding…

I miss my Semmykins so much! It kills me that I haven't seen her for over a month, and it's my fault for putting it off. I don't care whether it's the fasting month or what, but I'm gonna spend some time with my BFF!

Ibtisem Ben Nassib is the only friend I am able to connect with on an intellectual level with, although my friends are all smart in their own way. We're just kindred spirits, I guess…

Writers don't get much recognition as opposed to other vocations… (will elaborate further, soon!)

Why is it that some days, I can dance (okay, that's an exaggeration. Replace the word with 'MOVE') rather smoothly, and on some days I just look ridiculous and feel so disjointed? This sucks! Be consistent, body!

I tend to get nostalgic listening to Gwen Stefani's 'Cool'… beautiful scenery, though! And she's so pretty as a brunette!

Keris Patih's 'Tapi Bukan Aku' makes me wanna cry every time I listen to it, and not really because of the lyrics, but because the singer sounds like someone I deeply cared about…

I hate being left to make my way alone through this world if it can be helped, and I hate (to quote a song lyric) 'feeling alone with people around'.

I am in desperate need of a proper vacation! Get me away from everything and let me indulge in my senses… savor the moment! No heartaches, no worries… just the beach, the endless blue sea, close friends, and fun!

Okay, I'm sorry. I went overboard with the thoughts. I just realized that I've been extremely emotional lately, I'm narcissistic (notice how many times I used the word 'I'), and I use the word 'damn' a lot in this post. Well, at least now I can finally get some sleep. The burden's been taken off from my shoulders. I can finally rest in peace. Sweet dreams, guys. Until next time…

Old Post Imagine a life without liquid...

2010-02-20T02:55:00.001+08:00

June 26, 2008

It's amazing what some random snippet of general knowledge can teach you...

For those of you who have noticed the 'Did You Know?' box in my profile, its the one thing i look forward to everytime i log in my acc (well, besides the comments & messages, of course! lol). It gives me interesting trivia, which although i would possibly never use in real life, would benefit me in different ways. Triggering my imagination and encouraging me to find more info on the subject are among them.

Tonight's random trivia was about a rare disorder that prevents a person from consuming/doing a particular thing that contains a particular type of substance. In layman's term, we call em 'allergies'.

For example, we have people who are allergic to dairy products. Others are allergic to dust, peanuts, and some even to sunshine. Although they have it bad and are forced to accept their misfortune of missing out on life (soldier on, brave knights!), the trivia I read tonight was probably the worst allergy I have ever encountered.

Imagine being allergic to liquid.

Laugh if you want at how ludicrous this condition sounds, but in reality it really exists. Like I said previously, it is a RARE disorder. So far, only 30 known cases have been reported worldwide, and its scientific name is 'Aquagenous Urticaria'. But that's all I got from my featured application box.

I recall reading a feature article a few years back in a British magazine called Bliss. It was about a girl who suffered from this terrible condition, and how limited her life was. I remember looking at her picture... a rather pretty girl with sunny blond hair, bespectacled, and sitting on the grass with a smile on her face.

If I didn't know any better, I would have thought she was perfectly normal.

The article was from a first-person point of view. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, the story was told from the girl's point of view. The tale of her life was heartbreaking.

She had NEVER drunk water in her life, coz her skin would become 'scalded' as if it touched hot water. All she could drink was milk, which is half solids. She couldn't get in the rain without her special raincoat, or she would 'scald' as if from acid. And she couldn't shower for longer than 30 seconds, if i'm not mistaken, or her skin will burn.

As for her love life? Well, she could have one which involves physical affection, provided that the kisses shared between her and her boyfriend were dry. No frenching, no exchanging saliva... just a dry kiss, coz a wet one would literally kill her. And when its her time of the month? Well, i forgot what she said exactly, but she did say it felt as if hot water was being poured onto her.

But what I found most devastating was that she couldn't become a mother. First of all, she couldn't even have sex (oh come on, people! stop cringeing! don't be such prudes! it's a normal part of life, and you'll someday do it too! deal with it!), coz the exchange of natural liquids would... yes you guessed it. KILL HER. And a baby? Well, forget it.

The desire to mother a child is ALMOST an inescapable one for a woman. It's exactly the feeling a woman gets when she is told by the doctor that she can no longer procreate... only most women won't die if they still tried.

Close your eyes, put yourself in this poor girl's shoes and imagine for a while...

You are at the beach. It is a hot summer's day. You brought your boyfriend along with you to share this special day. It is a beautiful sunny day and the ocean is calling, endless & blue and its waves crashing on top of the swimmers, who laugh gleefully from all the excitement, imagining they are mermaids or scuba divers. You so badly want to feel the cool salty waters on your skin, but you know you couldn't even dip your toe into the sea without risking your life.
You are parched. You need a drink, but the only thing they have is water, and things made out of water. No one serves milk at the beach! You think to yourself, 'Damn it! I should have brought some from home', as you enviously watch the beach-goers sipping their pina coladas, chugging down cans of chilled Cokes and licking colourful frozen popsicles, melting down their chins.

Your boyfriend can sense that you are troubled. He tries to distract you by kissing you, but its not like the ones you watch in movies, unless you count Disney movies. There is no passion in it, and even if both parties wanted it, they couldn't indulge. Never mind the circumstance. He loves you so much that it doesn't matter much to him

You lay down on the towel & watch the sun set over the horizon. The romantic setting stirs in him romantic feelings. He tells you how much he wants to be close to you, but he knows deep down inside he can't. He even says that he wants to marry and have 5 kids with you, and hoping that they'd all get your beautifully-shaped eyes and his cheeky smile. But you both know you can never do those things, no matter how much you love him...

Her story makes me realize that we often take our life for granted. The simple, and seemingly significant acts we do on a daily basis such as taking a shower, or having Milo for breakfast, or dancing in the rain, a kiss from our loved ones, could be the DREAM of others. We should learn to appreciate the blessings God has bestowed on us and learn a valuable lesson from all of this.

And as for the brave 30 men & women who suffer from this disease, I greatly admire your courage & strength for holding on. I hope that we would soon find a cure and possibly end your suffering, once and for all.

Life is fleeting. Life is short. We should make the most of it. Feel like drinking some water & giving someone a kiss now?

Old Post Happily dippily dappily!

2010-02-20T02:48:00.001+08:00

\Well, I havent exactly JUST realized this, but I noticed that most (okay, I take that back... ALL!) of my posts are rather emo... sorry, i'm not that way on a daily basis, but it has been a tough week to handle. Too many things on my plate.

So today I decided to go into a lighter mood. I'm just gonna list down the things that makes me happy. I forgot what it's called, but apparently, it helps you feel better. You know how just thinking about the person that makes you happy, actually makes you smile? Well, I guess it works the same way. Try it! Self-therapy really helps. :)

Things that make me happy (in no particular order):

1) a sweet note from a loved one

2) dancing like nobody's watching

3) clubbing with my close & gila friends!

4) roast lamb... *drools*

5) a full fridge packed with yummy things to eat!

6moist chocolate cakes!

7) shopping!

8) shakshuka! (arabic/israelian food! sedappp siutttt!)

9) laughing at a hilarious or inside joke

10) acting silly!

11) reading a good novel

12) FUCK THIS NUMBER! THE PAST IS THE PAST! DELETED!

13) reading a good novel

14) travelling to exotic & exciting places (Italy & Morocco! Can't wait!

15) baskin robbins' ice-cream! choc peppermint, rainbow sherbet, pralines & cream... you name it!

17) challenging my intellect

18) water! waterfalls, the rain, bubble baths, hot showers... you name it!

19) receiving loving gestures from those I love

20) spending quality time with my closest friends

21) shoes! High heels & wedges especially make me excited!

22) cam-whoring with my friends! hahah always a lot of fun!

23) sleeping for as long as I please, in my boudoir

24) knowing that I am needed by the people in my life

25) the many escapades of monsieur Lestat de Lioncourt (I love him so much! If only he were real!)

26) blasting my fave songs in the car

27) when my creative juices start flowing again (damn that cursed writer's block!)

28) watching the Simpsons & Desperate Housewives for hours on end

29) usha2 sexy men! Johnny Depp, Josh Holloway, Kevin Zegers, Billy Crudup, Stuart Townsend… omg! The list goes on & on!

30) my best friend forever… Ibtisem Ben Nassib

hahahah i feel so much better already! Just thinking about the things I love most really cheered me up, and uplifted my spirits! I highly recommend this method of therapy. Don't waste your money on psychiatrists & all that shit... list down wtv you love, and it doesnt even cost you a dime! And if you can, DO those things you love to further improve your appreciation for life!

Dr. Syam (heheheh perasan!) over & out!

Old Post Where as all the romance gone?

2010-02-20T02:47:00.002+08:00

June 17, 2008

Back when I was a fresh-faced teenager (God! Now I feel so old!), I remembered having whirlwind romances with my boyfriends -- the kind you read about in all those Sweet Valley High books. My exes would write me poems, leave sweet comments in my Friendster (sigh! those were the days), and other random acts of adoration... all with free will. I never asked for it, but those little, seemingly insignificant gestures meant a lot to me.

Nowadays, things are different.

Two years ago, as we reach the age of maturity & outgrew puppy love, it all kind of stopped.

No more were the messages of undying love & devotion to me. Barely any more phone calls just to ask 'how was your day'? Rarely any more text messages wishing me good night, sweet dreams.

Is it because we tend to get bored with the ones we claim to love after some time has passed? Have they gotten through the phase of being so deeply infatuated with their significant other and discarded the romanctic first few months of the relationship for a subdued remainder of the relationship?

Okay, I'm babbling, I know. The words make sense to me, but it's hard to digest. Anyways, to make a point, romance dies after a while. We stop being so 'in love' with a person after a while and gradually lessen the amount of proclamations of 'I miss you' and 'Rise and shine, baby!'.

The question is... do we have a choice in the matter? Can we actually CHOOSE not to give into the 'natural' fact that love eventually ebbs away like the ocean tide, or is there no stopping this force?

No, they tell me. Just because I don't message you as often or shower you with compliments, doesn't mean I don't love you.

Sometimes, I'd just like to hear them say such random, sweet nothings once in a while. Tell me why you love me... why we're together in the first place. Remind me of times when we looked forward to hearing what the other had to say. Don't just expect us to 'telepathically' know that we love you. We're not psychic!

Actions speak louder than words, but words have the power to convince others that something is right.

Convince me that I mean something to you. That is an ACTION by itself.

A few, seemingly insignificant little words can mean the whole world to someone.

Old habits die hard...

2010-02-20T00:16:00.001+08:00

...thus were the wise words/lyrics from Mick Jagger's song from the movie 'Alfie' (<3>

It's been, what? 8 months! Oh God! Really? 8 FRIGGIN' MONTHS since my last post! Nie melampau nih! I need to give myself a good pinch for doing this yet again... PROCRASTINATION! (refer to my previous post, "Procrastination Queen").

But then again... I kind of abandoned the whole blog-writing thing... so technically, what I did wasn't procrastinating, was it? So I guess this is my return as the Prodigal Daughter, so to speak ;p

I know I've done this many times... start blogging with enthusiasm for the first few months, then leave the project half-way... I should really stop doing this.

So this time around, the only promise I'm gonna make is that I'll be posting once in a while... whenever I feel like it, instead of my unfulfilled self-promise to write AT LEAST ONE post per week.

And let us hope that I keep to this more lenient promise this time around...

I was never really good with following the rules to begin with...

Just for the record, most of my posts will either be:

1) old posts from my other, older blog, which I sayang to throw away,

OR

2) posts about the things that have happened during my LOOOOOOONG absence... so if you're interested, I welcome & thank you for reading these little snippets of my thoughts.

Happy reading! :)

Results are out!

2009-06-11T19:33:00.002+08:00

I think the headline speaks for itself! heheheheh

Truly, it was an awesome surprise, seeing that I was sooooo convinced that my results were gonna bomb like what happened to Hiroshima... but surprise, surprise! It turned out better than I expected!

I guess it pays to be a positive pessimist... Hope for the best, expect the worst... that way, the world won't come crumbling down if your expectations are not met. Therefore, if things do turn out for the better, HELLO, INSTANT BOOST OF SELF-ESTEEM! :D

In case you're wondering, I maintained my CGPA. Minimal qualification for Dean's List, but hey, I still got it!

And to think, I thought I was gonna fail my damn tarian (kes besar there, malas nak go into that again...), and Koku actually counts as well as affects our CGPA!

And damn it... I regret that I couldn't grasp the concept of syntax properly before my tests (and brought down my GPA), which accounted to 50% of our total marks... I wish I could repeat that, but I guess we'll just let bygones be bygones...

In a nutshell, ALHAMDULILLAH! Praise be to Allah S.W.T. for making my hard work pay off in the end, despite the endless bouts of stress, so that my family can share the joy of achievement!

TIME TO BUCK EVEN MORE UP FOR THE UPCOMING NEW SEMESTER! woohooo! can't wait to start the 3rd language component! Parlez Francais, Mon Ami!

Nirvana: the final frontier...

2009-06-03T05:48:00.001+08:00

Out of the blue, I had the itch to listen to the song that defined the band Nirvana... 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'. So I followed my whim that came out of nowhere, and layan-ed the song for the next 5 minutes of my life.

I savoured every moment of it... from Kurt Cobain's trademark 'my-vocal-chords-are-tearing tearing-up-inside-my-throat!' voice, the haunting mantra-like 'hello 3x, how low?' bridge, to the soaring guitar solo from minute 2:52 till 3:32...

This song has gone through A LOT with me... through times of joy, pain, anger, sorrow, loneliness... you name it. In fact, I have yet to come across a song with the same impact as SLTS has... I seem to be able to find a sense of solace in Kurt's voice, & in the music... the song manages to take my passionate emotions atm (e.g. rage, grief, dissatisfaction), mount it & intensify it to the highest point... building & building its way to the final climax, making me scream away the pain, then leave me lying on my bed relieved & exhausted from the pent-up anger. Heheheh sounds almost like an orgasm, innit? ;p

I'd forgotten just how much I missed Kurt's voice... it's been far too long...

Suffice to say, this led me to raiding my music playlist & playing ALL the songs I have from Nirvana (& trust me, I have almost ALL of them!) non-stop! ALL NIGHT LONG, BEBEH!

Does that sound obsessive to you? heheheh wait la... keep on reading & you'll see...

I used to be known for my obsession over Nirvana, and ultimately, the lead singer, Kurt Cobain (R.I.P. my angel of music), back in my high school days. Back then, when I was at the tender age of 14, I came across a CD filled with influential 90's alternative rock songs, which I'm guessing might have belonged to Ami Kashaf...

This CD changed my life forever, because it introduced me to Nirvana, which was to become my favourite band of all time, and was the pioneer to my love of rock music. Two songs were featured, which were Come As You Are, & Smells Like Teen Spirit. The latter would later become my one of my favourite songs ever, and the song I would play in order to get the inspiration to write (it usually works! In fact, I'm listening to it as I'm writing this post!)

I know critics tend to say that Nirvana is an overrated band... and in some ways, even I, the diehard fan, would have to agree.

1. Their guitar riffs are fairly simple (the most complex one might have been from Scentless Apprentice or Love Buzz), so to label Kurt a guitar god is an overstatement.

2. The lyrics are mostly incoherent and do not seem to have a sense of connectivity (the lyrics of cult classic Smells Like Teen Spirit are completely nonsensical!), so Kurt's song-writing abilities are indeed questionable

and

3. Nirvana did NOT give birth to Grunge music, as most people believe.

However, it is their popularity & ability to change the music, as well as fashion scene so drastically (from the Glam Rock flambouyance of the 80's, to an Anarchistic, apathetic 90's era of alternative rock) that made them the legends that they are today.

The angst & feelings of 'I don't give a fuck, man... I'm so tired of this shit!' that they convey through their music & lyrics inspired a whole generation of fans... and I happened to come along it a decade too late (I was only 3 when Smells Like Teen Spirit hit the radio waves!). What with the tragic death of Cobain in '94, Nirvana's standing in the music world was further elevated.

Okay... shit. I made this whole post about the history of Nirvana. Adoyai. Nampak right, that I'm a huge fan? Hehehehe but rest assured, my level of fanaticism has toned down IMMENSELY.

Back then, I used to scoff at others who don't share my love for the band, but now, I've come to understand that one's taste in music differs, and we should respect that. So it is only once in a while that I let that psycho fan side of me show... heheheheh

If you're ever interested on hearing Nirvana, at least to see what all the hype is about, I'd recommend these songs...

1. Smells Like Teen Spirit (hey! it's the staple, man! like what rice is to Asians!)

2. The Man Who Sold the World *david bowie cover* (crowning achievement of Kurt, IMO)

3. Come As You Are (something abt this song evokes memorias of the good ol' 90's...)

4. You Know You're Right (some say it's the final song he recorded before his death... he sounds so accepting of his defeat here...)

5. Where Did You Sleep Last Night *cover* (the lyrics are devastating, and Kurt sounds country-ish here)

PROCRASTINATION QUEEN!!!

2009-06-03T05:33:00.001+08:00

Grrrrr! This time around, I can't do a Britney & simply say, 'Oops! I did it again!'. Procrastination, why do you choose to stick to me like velcro to a shoe strap?! Once again, I procrastinated! YET AGAIN! (don't mind my constant redundant repetitions... it's just used for EMPHASIS, so don't come giving me a lesson on syntax!)

It doesn't help that you also made a pact with Inspiration... a deadly combo for the likes of me! Last minute, baru my brain goes into overdrive, pabila baru mendapat 'hidayah' untuk menulis, and I end up typing/writing away like one possessed! Thus I end up feeling so lethargic the morning after, and suffer from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, as well as a huge migraine!

So okay, it seems that consistency is not something I'm good at being consistent at (oh the irony!). So I guess I'll leave the choice to you, flouting my very own 1st post's (refer if you must) pledge...

Should I...

1. Ensure I post something every week, albeit the content may be an uninspired piece of work

OR

2. Wait for my undependable CREATIVE JUICES to flow in the last minute, and come up with something vaguely interesting & post-worthy, even if it does take me forever to post anything on my blog?

Hmmm.... decision, decisions...

'

The sweetest bday gift of all...

2009-05-27T04:42:00.001+08:00

Birthday presents don’t often present (lol) themselves to me unless my family throws me a birthday party, which kind of obliges people to get me a gift, seeing that we’ve prepared a fantastic feast for them & therefore, they should be courteous enough to give the birthday girl a little token of appreciation as a way of saying 'Thanks for the awesome food! Dahla it's free, kalahkan hotel food plak! I should get the birthday boy/girl a gift, which would cost me, what? 1/3 of what I would have to pay for such a sumptuous feast at a 3-star hotel!'.

But I’m not here to bitch about people who can’t even fork out a few measly bucks to get the birthday boy/girl a small gift. No… it’s best for a pessimist like me to look at the damn glass of milk as half-full instead of half-empty.

When I do receive birthday gifts, an overwhelming feeling of appreciation engulfs me. It’s not because of the cute handbag my aunt gave me, or the crisp RM50 notes folded thinly into angpows, waiting for me to take it out shopping & spend it. I feel grateful to have people think of me affectionately enough to have the initiative to get me a gift. Their effort means something to me… it means the world, coz it shows that they actually care. And I guess that is why people look forward to receiving birthday wishes. The feeling of acknowledgement is really what they seek for, not really the materialistic goodies.

Nevertheless, my top 5 birthday presents happen to be material things, but each holds a great deal of sentimental value to me, especially the last one:

1) The amazing chocolate banana cake Umi bought for my 13^th birthday from La Manila

2) The bouquet of red roses & charm bracelet Sem gave on my 17^th

3) The cute little teddy bear with the heart that says “I Love You Much” from Driss on my 18^th

4) The stainless steel butterfly pendant from Nanina (that I wear on my throat atm) on my 19^th

5) A delicate white-gold ring from him on my 20^th

With The One who Obtained the Ring...

Ma ha ha hu hu hu hooooooooo!!!

2009-04-24T23:33:00.002+08:00

Okay... I finally got around to writing this post... hehehe as Kak Tatie so kindly pointed to me, merely coming up with a blog post title DOES NOT count as a POST! wakakakaka very observant, as well as funny! Thanks for the input, babe! Mucho appreciato! ;)

All the cast members of Whoa Willow! were required to go through vocal analysis, or something of the sort, to identify our singing capabilities (how high we can go, whether we're an alto or baritone... that sort of thing). Coz it is, after all, a musical!

So to cut a long & completely pointless commentary about my journey there, we had to SING in front of an experienced music director (whom, I learned much later, was from Aswara or ASK... don't really remember which one, but it was an established music college! So don't play play!).

And to make matters worse, one of my fellow Willowans said that the dude was scary, as he shouted at her when she was singing, saying she was 'sumbang'. Not to mention, AD kept telling me, 'Syamimi, whatever you do, don't make faces. He ABSOLUTELY HATES IT! Just keep your cool, and don't ruffle any feathers'.

ADOYAIIIIII BESARRRRR! I have one of the most EXPRESSIVE faces in the world (it's more of a curse than a blessing, people!), and I simply can't help my emotions from displaying itself on my face! This is gonna be a problem...

'Nuff said, my anxiety levels were waaaaaayyyy up high it almost reached the roof! And I am no good with waiting... hate it sooooo much! Arrgh! The suspense is KILLING me!

Thank goodness I was able to have a nice light dinner with Coozy at kandang beforehand. At least the thought that I was able to see my best guy friend after this ordeal was over was comforting... And for my baby Munet. He managed to ease my nerves a little with some uplifting words.

'You can do it, babe!'
'No, you won't screw up the singing! You'll do okay, your voice is not sumbang!'

All this before he goes into the ring for his Muay Thai training, but that's another story...

So the dude finally arrives. I expected him to be effeminate, as AD warned us that he was very particular about the smallest details, and was quick to anger. And I also expected him to be much older,

coz: experience = to older age

To my surprise, the guy looked no older than 30 (he was 26, if I'm not mistaken), and looked more like a Science student. But when he spoke & shook people's hands in greeting, you can tell that he was not one to be trifled with, so tread lightly.

We were required to take our turns to sing in the gorgeous practice room (with built-in, full-length mirrors as walls, hardwood flooring, & a piano in the corner). Instructions were:

1. Choose ANY song you're comfortable with, and sing it
2. Vocalize the 'Ma ha ha hu hu hu hu hoo' in tune with the piano, or blurb (protrude your lips like your about to kiss someone, then press them together so that they vibrate, so that a horse-like sound is emitted)
3. Listen to the comments of the instructor, and take it all in with a positive attitude

Crap! I didn't know WHAT THE HELL I was going to sing! I couldn't just pick any random song I heard on the radio... I might just sound terrible at it, and risk a great verbal-bashing!

I opted to sing the song I sang during the Willow auditions: Katy Perry's 'Thinking of You'. But towards the end, I realized I couldn't pull it off well. So at the last minute, in one last act of desperation, I scrolled through my cellphone's music list until I could find a suitable song... something I can pull off with my vocal range, & whose lyrics I am familiar with...

Eureka! 'Part of Your World' from the Little Mermaid movie. You know, the one where Ariel is in her grotto, dreaming and singing about how much she wants to live on the Surface like the humans... Hey. My voice is just about as squeaky as hers, so why not?

Then came the moment of truth... I entered the room gingerly, mustering all the confidence I could possibly get from my anxiety-ridden body (my hands were shaking slighty), and braved myself to accept whatever harsh words that might be thrown at me. The dude asked me to sing, and I tried as best as I could.

I couldn't look at the guy while I sang much, coz his eyes felt like they were judging every move, and I was afraid I might suddenly feel overly self-conscious and make a fool out of myself. So I kept my eyes closed sometimes, and that helped me loosen up a bit.

Once I was done, I waited nervously for his feedback. His comment shocked me! He was actually very nice & professional about it. He noted that I chose the right song for my vocal range, that I sounded very much like Ariel herself (I laughed nervously at this, and told him that I take that as a compliment). Thank god! I seriously did not expect it to end pleasantly! What a MAJOR relief!

Next, he asked me to blurb. But I couldn't do it too long. It tickled! So I ended up vocalizing, taking extra care not to make my strain show on my facial expressions. All in all, it turned out pretty good! We shook hands before I was allowed to leave, and I thanked him profusely for his time, as a good student should do.

Thus, I left the place feeling so incredibly relieved that I felt free! Ah! The taste of freedom is so sweet! So I left with good spirits, and also with a copy of Zack and Miri in my thumbdrive (thanks to Coozy! ;p)

Willow practice is approaching so quickly, and I'm seriously anxious about it... both the good kind, and the bad. Good, because it's definitely gonna be a memorable & rewarding experience. Bad? Coz I'm still convinced I don't have what it takes to sing the role of Dusty Diamond, the villainess! But just like what I did during the vocal assessment thingy, I will try my hardest, and hopefully, the results would be surprisingly good. ;)

The one that got away...

2009-04-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

Okay... I do hope you wouldn't deduce that the title above means that I'm gonna get all nostalgic about my past relationships & shit... that would come later! ;p

Actually, I'd really wanna talk about a certain classmate of mine who recently dropped out of our study course...

So the story goes like this...

But we'd have to go riiiiiiiight back to the beginning...

(for those of you who didn't know) my batch of pre-Teslians '08-'09 was the first (or what I'd like to call, the 'guinea pig') batch of students who were *figuratively-speaking* forced to become ASASI Teslians. So what's the difference? You see for yourself...

Our seniors, who were automatically upgraded to the UiTM TESL degree program, provided that they pass the minimal CGPA requirement.

And us Asasi Teslians? Well, we were thereby bonded by the government, and were given a nice allowance in return for our 'compliance'. So how does this affect us negatively, you ask? We were, after all, given money...

Well, basically, it meant that our future was in their hands. Wherever they place us is out of our control. Sure, we did have choices when we filled in our UPU form, but for most of us, we don't even get some of the courses we applied for! The only way to change this is to make an appeal, or apply to another desired course.

So basically, there were supposed to be only 20 TESL students per IPTA in Malaysia for our batch, but only 9 made it to UiTM Shah Alam... me & Miza included. Sucks big time, right? There's only 9!!! who showed up! Wth?

But we got our hopes a little higher when 2 former Asasi Teslians rejoined us back from their given uni (UPM), thru the magic of 'Appealing'. Fuffy and Nadilala.

So the story's basically about Nad.

After nearly two semesters of toiling hard (hey... this is what you get from a degree programme, babe!) to get the grade, Nad decided to call it quits. Out of the blue. All of a sudden. Kapow!

Why? Well, she did express her feelings before to me (and a few other close friends, I think) about giving up the fight. She felt like she lost passion for the course, even though she was doing so well.

I have to admit, even I felt like it was all hopeless at one point. I could empathize with how she felt. But to quit when she's so close to completing it? It was only 3 weeks left till the finals! And to add salt to the wound, she had completed almost 90% of her coursework! That was a real shocker.

And to think, we only found out about it in the wee hours of the morning, waiting for our bus to go to the National Zoo for our voluntary work!

But I guess Nad had her reasons, whatever they may be. In a way, it's good that she came to this decision earlier on the course. But at the same time, I wish she could have tried to hold on a little longer...

But what's done is done. There's one less person in our already empty class, and we miss her craziness & 'mmmhmmms'... all the best, nadilala! You are still much loved. Please don't be a stranger & come visit us. Sayang always...

There's always a first...

2009-04-24T22:15:00.000+08:00

Hey! So it's been quite a loooooong time since I last attempted to write a non-academic... well, non-academic ANYTHING! Oh... before I get too caught up with an overflow of words, I'd like to say WELCOME! :D

Yes... Welcome to my little literary realm of randomness... I hope you know what you're getting yourself into by reading my blog! but THANKS FOR READING! THE LOVE IS MUCH APPRECIATED!
So... where to start when so much has happened this semester in a little corner of the earth called Shah Alam, and my beloved, longed-for, faraway hometown KL (okay! i get it! since i live in Kota D'sara, it technically means that i'm org Selangor! but my heart's always been in Hartamas, man!)?

Well, let's just start it with something my Auntie Dedeh (my mentor, my inspiration, & personal cheerleader! :D) said to me...

"Mimi, don't ever stop writing. If you really love something, you have to keep working at it. Never give up, and never neglect the gifts that God has given to you. Always make the best use of it & keep pushing yourself to become the very best you can."

Okay, so I guess that wasn't an exact quote. My memory's pretty much like a sieve... I tend to forget very easily. But basically, that's the message she sends me every time I seek her counsel. And I should probably stop neglecting my writing... so from now on, I guess I'd have to keep it up. The writing, I mean... not the procrastination! wakakakaka

My target? At least one post per week. No excuses. No matter how trivial my content may be, no matter who (or if no one!) reads my rants... I'd have to keep on writing.

So I hope that you, beloved readers (whoever you may be), would keep up with my progress & keep my dream... am I keeping to my goal, or not? Feel free to reprimand me if I don't... but please, do be gentle... ;) Thanks so much guys! Love always <3>